What you really really want

It's funny how our lives go.

It's funny that the way that society works you have to make so many life decisions when you are young.

They expect you to decide what you want to do with your whole life when you are 18, in the neck of the woods I'm from you are expected to be married and have babies by the time you are in your mid-20s. It seems INSANE to me! I'm 30 and I'm still not sure what I want 100%

I have finally decided what I wanted to me 'when I grow up' but that is about it. Oh, I have ideas about things that I want to accomplish and who I would like to become, but it's all still up in the air. I'm married, but I don't think I know what I want in my marriage either.

There was a time when I was a 25 year old coming out of a 8 year long toxic relationship that I met this boy who thought the world of me. He was nice to me and he thought that I was beautiful and he made me feel like I was worth something. He made me these promises and gave me these hopes for something better.

Somehow over the last 5 years things have changed. He may still be doing his best, but his best is no longer good enough. I'm not content and I refuse to be content settling. I refuse to decide that this is the best that I can do. Maybe he will come along with me and maybe he won't. I'm willing to take it either way.

That's not being crass or cold or heartless about my marriage. It's about being true to me. I spent the years of my life when I should have been discovering who I was and getting drunk with my friends and getting to know new people stuck in a relationship where I was getting nothing and going nowhere. I may be late coming to the game, but that doesn't mean that I should have to play on the reserve team. I want to go in and play.

It's not just about him. It's about me too. It's about me being happy with who I see in the mirror. It's about getting everything that I have always wanted out of my life and not allowing myself to give in to the thoughts that I will always be overweight (something that BTW happened only as a direct result of the poor relationship I was in), I will not accept that I will always be small town, or always have to struggle, or always have to be what someone else expects. I can and I will do what makes me excited and happy.

I have my own dreams. Maybe they aren't yours or his, but they are mine and I can't just give up on them.

Don't allow your present circumstance to cloud your future projections. Look past all the shit that you may be in and see what is up ahead if you just decide to put you ahead of what everyone expects of you.

So,

tell me what you want....what you really, really want.....