An Open Letter to Penny from "My 600lb Life"

 

It seems like everyone and their Momma and grandmomma are taking to social media today to write open letters to this person or that person that is basically screwing up their life. So, I guess why the heck don't I jump on the band wagon.

 

Oh, I could go on and on about Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber, but they have no hope of changing as long as they are celebs that everyone believes can do no wrong, no the person that I will chose to spend my open letter on is Penny from the TLC series My 600lb Life.

Dear Penny,

     Your episode of My 600lb Life really struck a chord with me. Not just because I too am an obese woman who has used food or comfort, but because you spoke of your desire and willingness to change and yet you squandered the greatest opportunity that you could have ever gotten.

  You are currently on disability. Not because you are mentally deficient or have some type of congenital handicap, but because you are too large to go to work. Why you don't get a work from home job (they do exist) I do not know. Because you are unable to move from your bed your spouse also cannot work. My husband and I both work and sometimes we struggle. I can't imagine what it is like living off just your disability payments, and yet, instead of getting food with ANY nutritional value at the grocery store you choose to have your husband get cake mixes, cookies, ice cream, etc.

  Some people are overweight because of medical issues whether they are physical or mental and I understand that. But I am unsure which one you fall into.

  I do not know how the show works with payment for this surgery. Does the show pay since you are on it? Does the Dr. comp the surgery, does your private insurance pay? But no matter how it is paid for I want you to be aware that the cost and the hoops that one has to go through to get this surgery is astronomical. 
  
    When I had health insurance, my insurance required that I go through 6 months of a rigorous diet and checking in with my physician because they would consider paying for the surgery. If they could prove that I was unable to lose weight without the surgery, then I could submit to have it approved. A procedure that I am sure would cost perhaps $100,000.

     I do not have children. One of the reasons that I have no had children is because I am obese and I know how serious it can be for me and for the fetus for someone of my size to be pregnant. I don't want to miss out on things in my child's life like riding rides with them picking them up at school, etc. Now I am not your size, but these things are more difficult than they would be if I were not this size.
 
  So you are given the opportunity to have this weightloss surgery at one of the best hospitals for it, by one of the best surgeons. You have the chance to get OUT of your bed and take care of your son and experience things with him and be a MOM to him, not just a mother. You have the chance to SAVE YOUR LIFE. You talk about wanting to change and being willing to change and what do you do?

  You waste it.

  You are selfish. I understand that you most probably have some type of mental issue which you need counselling for to help you move past using food as a crutch and help you STOP SEEING YOURSELF AS A VICTIM. Maybe they give you that but did not show it on the show. I know that my insurance was also going to require that I meet with a psychologist.

  You had your husband sneak food into the hospital for you, you REFUSED to put forth any effort to walk or even get up out of bed. You blatantly LIED on national television by first telling the doctor that you had your diet information to follow and then saying that you didn't have it. You acted like a spoiled child, not a mother fighting for her life.

  There are millions of people who would probably give everything that they own to be able to have this opportunity that you were given. But you are so happy being a bedridden, absentee parent who is living off the system that you REFUSE to put forth any effort. You should be ashamed of yourself.

  The reality is that you will probably be dead within 5 years at this rate. Your son will have to look back at this episode when he gets older and he will realize that you had the chance to change your life. You were given every opportunity to make your life one where you were able to do the things that you wanted with him. He will realize that you COULD have changed, and you didn't. He will put you in the ground having NEVER known what it was like to wave to you from his karate classes, or school graduations, he will stand beside your casket knowing that your love for him was not greater than your love for food.

  I started this by saying that I too am obese. I am. I still crave food everyday, I still want to turn to that when I am made or sad. But I decided that the future I want is more important than that hamburger or venti B&W Mocha. My hope for you is that you will really put your love and concern for your son first. Think of him. Think of what he deserves in life. Please, save yourself. Get some counselling, make the change, take this opportunity that you were given. I know that it can be scary and hard. But I promise you that is it worth it. I have lost almost 16 pounds. I'm almost under 300 now. It's not easy, it's damn hard, but I promise you it is worth it.

A Heaping Helping of FU

Some people eat crow.

Some people eat tofu.

Some people eat sprouts.

Some people need to eat a heaping helping of eff you.

How do I know, Charlotte? How do I know when to serve up a steaming pile?

Well, trust me. You'll know.

You'll know when you have heard for the 100th time that you can't, you won't, it's impossible. That you are a failure and that you aren't good enough. You'll know when you seek support and you don't get it.

I urge you to tell your 'haters' to go on. Go on and tell you that you aren't good enough. That you can't. You won't. It's impossible. It will never work. You will never make it. Because then, oh, then it will be so much sweeter when you cook their meal of FU.

So work hard my loves. Season that up real nice so that when you serve it. You can sit back and relish in all that you have accomplished!

Eat MORE?

 

People striving for a healthier lifestyle psych themselves out. I'm one of those people.

 

I'm fat.

 

It's no secret to me or anyone else around me. Oh, I don't doubt that I have beautiful features. My teeth are lovely, my eyes sparkly, and I have nice finger nails and a good singing voice. But, I'm fat. I wasn't always this way, well, no, strike that. I always remember being heavy. But I was athletic and so it wasn't as much of a problem. Then circumstances came up and my weight ballooned and then I became obese. The cycle continues from there. I was depressed and so I ate more and I would now probably be considered morbidly obese. Again, this is obvious to anyone who would see me or pass me on the street.

 

This girl isn't pregnant. Not with triplets. She's fat.

 

Like others who are on a weightloss journey you think that 'dieting' is about eating less. This really is a catch 22. See when I think of eating less I think these nightmare inducing thoughts:

 

no starbucks

no ice cream

no pizza

no cereal

no Pals

no Starbucks (wait, did I say that already?)

 

The problem with this thinking is that you are already telling yourself all the things that you think you CAN'T have anymore. Now look, I don't know about you, but telling myself that I can't ever have another black and white mocha again....EVER is something that I just refuse to accept. We look at getting healthy as restricting ourselves from things that we enjoy because those things have made us fat.

 

Look here, Starbucks did not make me fat. Ben & Jerry did not make me fat. I made me fat.

 

But Charlotte, you say, some people have hormone imbalances or glandular problems. I understand this. I agree with this I fall into this category. But having a slow thyroid isn't an excuse for me being fat and it's not the main reason ever. Having a venti once or twice a month won't make you gain 80 pounds. Having one once or twice a week probably will add on a few.

 

Eating the recommended serving of ice cream every week or so won't send you to the fat farm. Eating a pint of ice cream twice a week probably will pull out your luggage.

 

The key to success with getting healthy...

allow me to digress a moment.

 

I hate the word "diet". I know that I have talked about his before. Your diet is what you DO eat, not what you DON'T eat. I will not use it.

 

Anyway, the key to success with obtaining and maintaining a healthier lifestyle is to eat MORE!

 

What the what, you say?

 

Yes, eat MORE! Eat MORE of the things that are good for you and less of the things that aren't. You don't have to give up going out to a nice place to eat with your significant other every now and then and having and app and an entree and a dessert and a drink. In limited engagements this is ok. It helps you remember that you aren't restricting yourself from everything that you love and that makes you feel like a normal person. But doing this three or four times a week is not a great idea.

 

Eat MORE veggies and fruits (but watch the sugar with fruit), eat MORE whole grains, eat MORE protein. Eat less sugar, less carbs, less fat, less empty calories. Eat MORE times a day. Studies have showing that eating 5-6 small meals a day (every 2-3 hours) is better than eating the 3 meals a day that we were brought up on. By eating consistently throughout the day like this it stops bloodsugar spikes and your body doesn't think that you are starving it.

 

Here is a good example.

 

Yesterday I didn't eat much at all. I slept till about 10 because I was feeling under the weather and I didn't eat anything till about 1 before I went for a walk. I ate a snack after the walk and then a fish salad and some rice noodle soup for dinner. I use the My Fitness Pal app on my phone and according to it my daily caloric target is 1930 cals based on my current weight. It says tat I took in 1302 cals, but with the off set for exercise only had 966. The day before (Thursday) I took in 1681 with no exercise. I lost MORE weight between Thursday and Friday than I did between Friday and Saturday.

 

Your body needs food to live. We use food for fuel and you don't waste fuel. Think of your body as your car. When your gas tank is full do you stand there and keep putting gas in and let it run out of the tank? Hopefully not. Your body is the same way. There is no reason to keep stuffing your tank full of excess fuel that you don't need and that you don't use. Eat to live, stop living to eat.

 

This is hard, extremely hard. Putting good things into your body will CHANGE you! It will change your body and your mind and it will change the way you think about food and weight and exercise and moderation and yes, even your diet.

 

Moderation not elimination.

Eat MORE.

(good stuff)

Get Thee Behind Me Starbucks Siren!

She calls to me. Her hair waves around her face like the wind from the ocean or a green field is blowing it. Perhaps she is atop a grand rock outcropping looking out onto a vast ocean or sea of green. Whatever her place in the universe she calls to me.

 

Her sweet siren song lures me in with the promise of warmth or coolness, of sweet, tart or savory, of something new and unexpected. She picks me up, she soothes me, she fills my soul. She is beautiful and exciting and delicious...and deadly.

 

She is the sweet siren lady of Starbucks.

 

She is my WCW (even though it's Thursday) and she is my personal devil in disguise.

 

She calls to me.

 

She waves her café mocha latte in my face. She beckons me with a black and white mocha, or a frap, or (gasp) caramel macchiato.

 

I love her.

 But I hate her.

 I desire her.

But I loathe her.

 

Honestly besides maybe Sharpie and Ben & Jerry, my worst addiction is Starbucks. Oh, I wasn't always this way. But when I moved and had one within out 5 minutes of my house...well, it be came an issue.

 

1- She takes money from me.

Like most gold diggers she is interested in only one thing, my money! She wants me to spend it all with her. "Come on," she whispers, "you know that you actually want a VENTI iced B&W."

 

2- She only cares about herself.

I have never heard her say, "Hey, I have a new low fat, low calorie, drink that will course through your veins like crack." She doesn't care that I get fatter and fatter while her pocket gets fatter and fatter.

 

3- She knows how to get her way.

"Get a gold card," she says. "It'll be rewarding," she says.

 

 

 

But today. Today was different. Today I had money burning a hole in my pocket. Today I had a little extra to splurge. Today I was chilly and I felt a little craptastic and nothing would have made me feel better than a warm mocha or a cold Tim (a drink so named for the barista that created it at our local store).

 

Usually I would go and get one. I would say to myself, "I have x number of calories left for today, this won't hurt." or maybe "I can do x amount of exercise tonight to make up for it." See before. I made excuses to be unhealthy. I thought that I could just make up for it, it is ONLY a drink after all.

 

But not today. Today I made my purchase and I walked right past her espresso nakedness, waved to Tim, and went to my car. And you know what? It. Felt. AWESOME. It was like a small victory for me. Now look here, this may sound stupid to you. But I didn't get to be 300lbs by always making great food decisions. It was a step to tell my favorite thing no.

 

Maybe this time is different. Maybe this time I have the mindset and the internal motivation that I need to really, really make a positive change in my life.

 

Am I saying I will never have Starbucks again?

Are you freaking crazy? NO! No I am NOT saying that. I love her, I must have her!

 

BUT.....

 

I am saying that I don't have to have her 3 or 4 times a week. I can maybe just see her once a week or once every other week. Not only will my body thank me, but my pocket will as well. Maybe I can see her and find a lower calorie option. I can get a Refresher or something instead of coffee. I can fin alternatives.

 

I had the will power tonight. As I walked past hearing her call to me. Shout to me that she would NOT be ignored!...

 

I told her to fuck off. (for now).

 

My heavens. If I can resist the siren, maybe I can do anything!

A Stumbling Block or a Stepping Stone

 

 

 

So the way I see it all of the people that you meet in life pretty much fall into two categories.

 

Stumbling blocks,

 

 or stepping stones.

 

The stepping stones are easy to pick out. They are the people that encourage you, that build you up. That tell you that no matter what comes along you can follow your dreams and you can make it! They are the people that are positive, the people that are light in your life. The ones that you turn to when things aren't going like you would like them to go. They fuel your fire, they salt your fries, they hate the people you hate.

The stepping stones are pretty rare. If you find one make sure that you try your best to keep them in your life. They are a source of strength. They will keep you sane.

 

But then there are the stumbling blocks. Believe it or not, these can be harder to identify. Mostly because sometimes it can be hard to actually label someone a stumbling block. It's hard because most of the time I don't think that we want to admit that someone is a stumbling block in our lives. Oh, we may easily admit that they don't always support us or encourage us. But we just see that as disinterest or any think other than a stumbling block. We would rather act like they are moot in our lives than that they are stubbing us up.

 

These are people that you usually care about and to think that they are a hindrance to you is painful. It's painful because you care about them, because you thought that they cared about you. Because you have to come to terms with the fact that you have put your faith and your time and effort and love into someone or something that will not give it back, You misjudged them and that is hard. In fact it sucks.

 

Identifying a stumbling block is hard because sometimes I don't think you even realize that you are being made to stumble.

 

You think that you are the problem. That you can't do it. That you aren't trying hard enough, you don't want it bad enough. Now, look here, I'm not one of these people that say that everything that happens to us is someone else's fault. I don't think that bad things that we do are all because someone else did something that made us do it. On the contrary failure is most always our fault.

 

Now before you take offense to this think about it.

 

We fail because we give up. No one makes you give up. We may say that so and so made us want to quit because they did this thing or that thing but the decision to quit was YOURS. No one MADE you. Furthermore YOU allow those people to remain in your life.

 

Now, I know what you are thinking. But he's my husband, she's my wife, that's my mom/dad/sister/brother/best friend. Let me break this down for you...

 

LIFE IS SHORT.

 

No one has the time or should expend the energy that it takes to try and compensate for an asshole , ur, stumbling block in your life.

 

All the time and energy that you spend trying to make excuses for them or trying to build yourself back up when they tear you down is NOT worth it. Why do we choose to surround ourselves with people who don't build us up and encourage us to be all that we can be? There is no reason and no excuse for it. Yes, that may be your husband or wife or sister or brother but look here, if they aren't willing to be a stepping stone for you, then they are a stumbling block, and you need to rid yourself of them.

 

It will not be easy. In fact I'd say that it would be very hard. It means moving on. It means saying goodbye to someone that you love. It means that there will be whispers and rumors. But it also means that you will be putting yourself in a healthy environment where you can move forward and grow and be all that you can be.

 

If we fail, as we sometimes may, fail knowing that you did everything that you could to succeed. If you quit, if you allow toxic people in your life, if you don't give it 110% then you only have yourself to blame.

 

I have allowed a lot of stumbling blocks in my life. I have allowed people who I called friends to discourage me, I allowed a man to have my heart and all he did was tear me down. He was more than a stumbling block he was a roadblock. He kept me from reaching my potential in my health, in my education, in my faith and in my LIFE. Now, I am staring to realize that I have other stumbling blocks too.

 

I have one that discourages me from staying positive about my lifestyle change (in hopes of attaining weight-loss); one that refuses to move forward and stifles my hopes for a successful life. The day may come when I say to myself "this is enough, I have to get rid of this stumbling block", and if/when that day comes it will be hard to deal with. But this life that I am living isn't about the stumbling blocks. It's about the stepping stones.

 

This year, as I've said before is my comeback year! This is the year that I will refuse, REFUSE to allow stumbling blocks to mar my path. This is the year that I will restore myself to my former glory. This is the year that I will find what/where I am meant to be. THIS will be my comeback.

 

On your comeback road you will find stumbling blocks. When that happens you have two choices. You can try to go around them and ignore them, only to find that they will pop up somewhere on down the line; or, you can chose to remove them. That may not be easy, and it may not be fun, but it may be necessary. This year is the year to cut away all the things in your life that hold you back and that hinder you from being all that you can be. This is the year to stop filling your life with things and people that trip you up. This is your comeback year too and you CAN remove all the stumbling blocks and replace them with stepping stones.

 

Today, take a moment to inventory your relationships and your habits and try to identify if they are stumbling blocks or stepping stones. If you don't know which, the answer is stumbling block. If someone is neither hot or cold, you need to spit them out. There is no time for people on the fence.

 

Stumbling block.

 

Stepping stone.

 

You decide.

The Comeback Year

If you haven't already, you need to head over and check out the wonderful blog at www.strutyourstroller.com. I came across this blog in some shares on Facebook and I must say that she is awesome to read. In the latest post the lovely Rachelle talks about making a change when you are "older". Now look. I'm 30 too and I don't consider myself old, well, until I'm out in the college town I live in and see some 19 year old kid and want to punch them in the face...THEN I'm old. But anyway.

 

I'm on the same road she is on. I did the college thing when I was out of HS and I was never happy and I bounced around from career to career and it wasn't until I was 29 that I decided what I wanted to do 'when I grew up'.

 

Now, on to the meat of this post.

 

I waited for a few days before I decided to talk about my new year's resolution. Mostly because these resolutions usually only last for a month or so and then make us all into liars.

 

But this year is different. This year is going to be my year. This is going to be my comeback year.

 

Hell yes!

 

I feel like I am coming to the game in the 7th inning stretch. All those formative years when I should have been going out with friends and dating and finding myself I spent in a bad relationship. I spend under some kind of lock and key and I missed out on all of those things. So when the relationship ended when I was like 24, I finally got to start having the kind of life that a 19 year old should have. I went to clubs, I stayed out at a friend's house and drank, dare I say it, I even smoked some pot. But after a few years I got over that too and I started feeling the crunch to do more and be more. When I went back to school at 29 with a degree course finally plotted out I really started to feel, well, unfulfilled.

 

When I was 25 I was married and ready to have kids. But the older I've gotten the more I have realized why some people don't have kids. I'm not saying that I never will, but until I get to a place in my life where I can financially care for a child I will not have one that I know I have to use government assistance to care for. This is another topic all together so I will let that be for now.

 

The last year I have been in a constant feeling of unrest. In a lot of ways. I'm happy that I'm working so hard to get a career, one that I feel happy with. I'm happy with the work that I am doing now. But a lot of things I just feel like are lacking, they are not living up to what I always thought I wanted to what I expected from myself. I know where I have always kind of wanted to end up and the road I am on just won't lead me there.

 

I have fallen quite in love with the lyrics from the song "Comeback" that Redlight King performs. I decided that this year will be the year for my comeback!

 

I'm not going on a diet, no. That's too much pressure and it immediately screams "EAT STUFF YOU HATE!!" What I am doing is eating more foods that are good for my blood type, cutting out gluten as much as I can because those foods make me feel like garbage and I'm tired of feeling like garbage. I want to start exercising more because that made me feel much better. It's not so much about losing weight as it is about feeling better and feeling better about myself.

 

Oh, I have other goals too but I will save them for a different time I suppose. My number one goal is to be healthier and more fit. I want to be the person I see myself as in my mind instead of the person I see myself as in my mirror. I'll tell you one thing, what I will not do is allow anyone to sway me or to look at me with that "I've heard this before" look. I know that I may have to make better (and perhaps more expensive food choices). But this is one reason that I've taken on a second job.

 

I refuse to depend on what someone else is doing to try and fulfil what I want from my own life. I gotta keep moving on and if they choose to follow they may, and if they don't well that is up to them. But I have to live for ME. I have to do what makes ME feel like I have made something of myself. I want to get out of this abyss that I have been in since that bad relationship and feel like I am worth something again.

 

I have these ideas in my head of things that I want to do and even though I may never do them, I will do all that I can to try and get there.

 

This will be my comeback year. I hope to share this comeback with all of you. I hope that if you read this you may share your comeback too. Let this be YOUR comeback year. Let this be the year that you say "Go on. Tell me that you've heard it before, that I've failed so many times in the past, that I can't or I won't go ahead and believe that I won't make it because it will just make it so much sweeter when I do." Tell your haters and the disbelievers to eff-off and make a COMEBACK this year.

 

Do it for YOU.

 

This will be my year. My comeback.

 

Make it yours too.