The Aroma of Your Heart

Weight: 311.0
(Did not weigh at same time, may not be accurate)


If you haven't seen the movie "Facing the Giants" I highly recommend it. Even though it is probably classified as a 'Christian' movie it's great.

Something in that movie that has been on my mind today is a scene where the coach (Grant Taylor) tells his football team that "your attitude is like the aroma of your heart; if your attitude stinks, your heart's not right."

There is a lot of truth to that and not just when it comes to dealing with others, how you treat yourself counts! Today when I weighed it showed a 0.8 pound weight gain. It may or may not be accurate I didn't weigh at the same time of day and I had eaten something too. Did I feel a little down on myself, yeah, actually I did. I did feel a twang of disappointment in myself for sure. I could have lingered on it today, but I didn't. It was 0.8 pounds....it could be due to a lot of things that have nothing to do with what I ate. Today was a new day.

Most people don't think at all about their attitude toward themselves you know, being important. But if you don't have a good attitude toward yourself, then you may as well give up because you have already doomed yourself to failure. The saying holds the same even if it is about yourself. "If your attitude stinks, your heart's not right".

"But Charlie," you say, "It's just my attitude toward myself, who cares?"

Well, you care! God cares, the people around you who love you care. I have dealt with it too, you start to think that you're nothin' and so you don't feel worthy to do things for yourself. You don't think that you deserve good things. So you think, "I don't deserve to spend that money to get myself new clothes/ haircut/ nails/ food, etc". Being overweight can do this to you and make it even worse. I mean lets call a spade a spade we live in a society where if you are fat you have no worth to society. (Not including those BBW loving societies that as an obese woman, even I find strange.) You are looked down upon, you are passed over for opportunities, you are treated as second class. This doesn't just happen to overweight people either but that is another story.

So you are told by society that fat is gross (and I mean, hey, it is); you are told that if you aren't a size zero you are not and have no hope to be beautiful, you are worthless and you are a festering pus sore on society's butt. Eventually you start to believe that. If anyone hears something about themselves enough they can start to believe it. So you get a bad attitude about yourself and so you quit trying.

What does this have to do with our heart being right? Now my blogs aren't going to turn all preachy, but hang with me a minute here. When you have beauty and love in your heart, it will show in your attitude. See a good attitude isn't something that is JUST shown on the outside, it's something that starts on the INSIDE. See we see ourselves like we see ourselves. We see ourselves being overweight, having a big nose, bad skin, small breasts, fat thighs, thick ankles. and a host of other things that we can look at ourselves and classify as "wrong" or bad. But God doesn't see any of that. He sees us like He made us; in HIS image. He sees us a beautiful no matter our weight or hair or eye color or pant or dress size! So if our heart can get right (with God) then we can start to see ourselves as He sees us and we can change our attitude toward ourselves!

When you start seeing yourself how God sees you; you will totally change your attitude about yourself. I don't know if you are familiar with the VeggieTales movies, but these are little biblical stories told in a way that kids can understand by vegetables. (Headed by Bob, the tomato, and Larry, the cucumber). In one VeggieTales short film a story is told a la Dr. Seuss about the Snoodles. One day a new little Snoodle comes into being (from a tower in the square) and he is wondering what he looks like, what he is there for, and all sorts of questions. As he looks to the people around him they only tell him about the ways that he is failing or not measuring up. Finally in an attempt to get away from all these mean people he climbs the tallest mountain in their little land and he meets a man there (God). This man paints a picture of the little Snoodle and in the picture he is big and strong and flying high! The little Snoodle doesn't understand, but the man tells him that he painted the little Snoodle as he sees him, that he knows how amazing he can be because HE made the Snoodle! When the Snoodle removed all the bad things that the other people had told him from his backpack he was able to stand tall, and when he put in the pack the picture of how the man saw him, he was evening flying!

Your attitude is the aroma of your heart.

That includes your attitude about yourself.

If you think that you deserve better, then you will try to give yourself better. If you count yourself out, then you will never get where you are going.

How do you smell?

Wine & Cheese

Weight: 310.2
C25K Wk 1 Day 2

Sounds good, huh?

Wine and cheese. Merlot and Brie.

But then you get to the party and find that they are serving Mad Dog and generic spray cheese. Not the good Kraft stuff, but the like Clover Valley kind.

Lots of things sound better or look better on paper than they are in real life. On paper the Cabbage Soup diet seems great. Hey, I love cabbage soup, and you can eat all of it that you want? Oh, YES!

But then you find out that you can really only eat cabbage soup and bananas and you are like, "What the crap am I supposed to LIVE off of???" I mean, yeah, you may lose a lot of weight but that's because you are STARVING!

Even relationships can be like this, mine was. They say that when you are in a content relationship that you will often gain weight, something about being happy and comfortable. I suppose that can be true. But for me it wasn't. It may have started that way but soon it became eating because I was depressed and miserable. On paper and in public we tried to make our relationship look as functional as possible even when I was thinking of extreme measures to get out of it. I made pretend like things were rosy.

But they had gotten bad. I had curfews, I had to check in. It was bad. My school work really suffered and eventually I had to drop out. I was devastated. When that happened I certainly wasn't allowed to be at home alone so I would have to come to his house and stay and do his chores. I was miserable, I was more than miserable. I had given up hope on just about anything and everything. Friends that I had had my whole life and some of my best friends I lost touch with I had to let go because they were men or because he didn't like them. I lost touch with my family, I lost touch with God, I lost touch with everything and everyone that I cared about.

We went on a vacation (against my better judgment). It was miserable. I slept on the floor of the hotel because I didn't want to be near him. One the way home I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach, that tugging at my soul that I hadn't felt since the day that I went forward in church and was saved. I had  to do something, to say something or I would bust. So I did.

I asked how long we were going to go on like this. I was miserable and I was pretty sure that he was too. It didn't go over well, I expected that. The trip ended with him leaving the 9mm that we traveled with in my passenger seat and telling me that "I may as well kill myself because I would never get away from him".

I had lived this lie for like 6 years. This lie that looked so great on paper but beyond the paper it was Hell. Pure Hell.

Why do we advertise wine and cheese when we know that we will be serving Mad Dog and generic spray cheese? Why do we feel like we have to offer ourselves up as some flawless entity when we know that we are anything but?

This fuels our unhappiness with ourselves and with life because we have no one that we feel that we can show our true selves to. It's hard, it's really hard, but we have to stop feeling this way. Now I'm not saying to just open up to everyone, you can't do that, and you shouldn't. You should pick the people that you trust very carefully. But you can find someone that you can trust to show your true self to, even if at first it's just God or whatever deity (if any) you believe in. Don't be afraid to be Mad Dog and not Merlot.

Amy Grant has a song out called "Better than a Halleluiah". It says that even in our misery and our sorrow we can cry out to God because sometimes us crying to him for help is more of a joy for Him to hear than a Halleluiah. You can be the Mad Dog and still be loved and accepted.

Acceptance of ourselves will eventually make us happier people who want to be happier people. So the better that you can feel about you, the better you will want to feel about you, get it? Once you start making decisions that better your health or your well being, you will want to make more and it will snowball for you.

So whether is aged wine or gas station malt liquor make the best of it and enjoy it for what it is. The food may be crap, but you are among friends and you are alive and that is something to celebrate no matter what is going on in your life. There is someone who would take your place in an instant.

Raise your Solo Cup friends.....

Round IS a Shape

Weight 312.4

     "I'm just exercising to get back into shape."

     Exactly what shape do people want to be in I wonder. Look, honey, stick figure is NOT a shape. It is a like and I don't consider a line a shape, it's a line. About as precious are the body type shapes: pear, apple, hourglass, banana, papaya....okay, maybe not those last two. I'm just saying I am in shape...in A shape at least. Round. Round is a shape.

     I guess I should be thankful that even after my buffet experience last night I still managed to pull off a little bit of a weight loss. Look people something is better than nothing. Nothing is better than going backwards! It gets so frustrating when you step on the scale after you have starved all day and done 45 minutes of cardio and drank enough water to make your eyeballs feel like they were floating in your head and your bladder wonder what the crap was up with you; and see that you lost......

drumroll please......

NOTHING!

     How can this be? you wonder. We all have a sweet spot that some would claim is as elusive as Bigfoot or Nessie. What works for me may not work for you. I mean there are things that are good for everyone. Eat less, move more, drink more water, don't eat a whole pizza by yourself, ice cream is not a food group, things like that, but really it's about finding what works for YOU. Your body isn't the same as my body, your genetic make-up isn't like mine either. I suggest getting the book "Eat Right for your Blood Type" and giving it a read. You really only have to read about your blood type so the library would be a good place to look for it. Hey, it WORKS and it is real.

     My Dad used this method and he lost a lost of weight and I admit that I feel better when I eat the "highly beneficial" on my list and not the "stay away" foods. I'm a type O. I hold weight on my stomach, I'm the ancestral blood type. This means that my body hates carbs, dairy, and pretty much anything that isn't something that you can hunt or gather. You know what...it's for real. I've been trying even now to eat foods on my beneficial list. I also try to stay gluten free.

     But didn't you just say that you had pizza last night? I did. No one should have to live their life never having the things that they like. I don't like the word diet, I like eating better and sometimes you get to just eat what you like because you like it. Who cares if it is good for you, you know? Life isn't and shouldn't be about restrictions, it's about living and for me living involves eating and enjoying my eating.

     Then there are those times you get on the scale and you have done all of these things and you see that you have GAINED weight!

     Once you pick yourself up off of your bathroom floor and dry your tears because you are starving, think about this. 1- you shouldn't be starving. Sometimes you may need to eat 6 or 8 times a day-small mini-meals if you will (see the Body for Life diet); 2- are you a woman? Is it near that time of the month? have you been eating a lot of salt? 3- something MUST be wring with your scale!

     Don't let these days get to you. As I said before I am not a counter or even a food diary writer, but I do try to take note of what I eat or what I do so I can see on the scale if that is working for me.

     Round is a shape. It's great for rings, cookies, cakes, pies, wheels, but not so much for your body. No one is asking you to be a stick figure either. Your body shape can have a huge impact on your health and so you should be aware of it. Losing weight is about having a fuller life, a more enjoyable life, more lifey than when you were heavy. I'm tired of being round. I'm not that jolly like this for sure. Maybe you are tired of being round too. Great! Today is a great day to do something about it. The good thing about being round is that you are good for rolling and you can roll on down the road to something better...

Dawn of Death

Weight: 312.8

     I don't count my calories. I don't count fat. I don't count carbs or points. I did the Weight Watchers points. It is very effective. But look, I don't have time for that mess. Every week I try to plan meals. How do you think that goes over? Right! Not too good! I'm not a planner, I'm not a counter. I'm more of a 'man I need to eat something; oh crap it's dinner time' kind of person. I don't do counting. I have no time for that mess.

     That doesn't mean I don't try to be aware of what I'm eating. (I try to pretend that I am still ignorant about how many carbs are in Starbucks drinks) I don't think that you can really enjoy your life counting. I'm not a math person either. So I become aware. If I'm getting Starbucks, I skip the bread another time, or the pasta another time. It's about balance. Balance.

     I suppose that it makes little sense for me to be talking about balance and being aware and weight 312 pounds. I know. It's like Willy Wonka giving a speech on avoiding cavities. But I haven't always been this way, and I have lost before and I know how I did. I deal with depression a lot and when I get into one of those depressed states I eat bad, I don't exercise, it sucks. When those times come the weight comes back, usually with a vengeance. I know what I should and shouldn't do. If you think about it you probably do to. Now the key is just for us to, you know, DO IT!

     I know what got me here - bad decisions - a LOT of them. They started when I was 17 and to be honest they never stopped. See I met this guy on my 17th birthday and he was cute and nice and he treated me good and he gave me attention and he thought I was attractive and I fell in (what I thought was) love. He asked me to marry him when we had been dating only about a month, and I said yes and that started an almost eight year relationship. Things were peachy at first, about the first year, other than the fact that he wasn't keen on me playing sports, he wanted me to be with him or whatever...so I quit playing ball. This was the biggest thing that started my poor health decisions. Then the more I was around him I picked up his eating habit and they were horrid. My senior year I gained about 80 pounds. That was pretty devastating. But it didn't stop there. It got worse, much worse. I went from like a size 16/18 to a size 24.

     So these bad eating decisions was the start of my problems. It sucked. It still sucks. I still wonder why I let that happen. Why? Bad decisions.

     The good thing about decisions, even bad ones? You have to make new ones everyday. Everyday you have to make new decisions and you have the chance to make better decisions. You have the CHOICE to do what you think/know what you should and not do the things that you know are bad decisions.

     Today you can make a choice. You can make a choice to stay like you are and keep doing what you are doing, or you can make a choice to, you know, do something else.

     I had a pretty good day today. I ate pretty good. (Note: I have a huge sweet tooth, in fact I think it may be teeth, so I always try to keep some Adkins goodies on hand to help with that). I did Week 1 Day 1 of the C25K plan (that's couch to 5k) I was on week two before my injury started acting up, so I started over. For dinner though we went to Pizza Inn. Buffets are a fat persons napalm. You always want to eat more because you want to feel like you got your money's worth. This happens to me, and it happened to me tonight. The good thing is that usually the pieces are smaller (this is an excuse - but it is true.) Today I made some good decisions, perhaps some not so great decisions, but tomorrow is a day to make the decisions again, and I can choose if they will be good or bad.

     Every dawn is a new chance for the dawn of death. The death of the old you, of the bad decisions, of the depression and pain and suffering. Today was a new dawn of a new day to try to put my old habits to death. Tomorrow if I'm blessed with it will be a new dawn and a new day of death.

The Beginning is the End of the Beginning

Beginning Weight: 313.2
Hips: 60
Waist: 55
L Arm: 18
R Arm: 18.5
L Thigh: 34
R Thigh: 34.5
Stomach: 10


     Well a few weeks ago I was about 5 pounds thinner. But a knee injury sidelined me for a few weeks and I don't know if you are like me, but when I get sidelined I get mouthy...as in I snack and eat crap that I shouldn't eat anyway. But today is a new day, today is a day to start over. In two months we are having a family vacation, in one month I have a photo shoot scheduled, I would like to not be, you know, gross for this. For either one of these.

     The first time that I saw the scale go above 300 I freaked. I cried. Then I think I ate a pint of ice cream. What a wonderful way to say "hey, I hate being fat", right? After that I kinda lost hope, I didn't really care anymore. I think at my highest (which wasn't that long ago) I was 320 or something. I was even more miserable then than I am now. So I started to exercise and eat better, I think I did Body for Life. Which totally works but you have to eat so many times that it was really hurting our food budget. Plus, let's face it, healthy food is super expensive and when you are poor, well, that can be problematic.

     But in any case I lost like 30 pounds or something. I mean I was down to like 274 or some crazy number like that. Then we had a life changing event. We had a fire. We were in a motel for a month, we were unable to cook or get real groceries for like 6. Needless to say I gained that weight back. When you eat what you can, well, that is an excuse, but it was a rough time.

     I keep wondering why I can't just do this. I keep wondering why I'm such a failure. I come up with a million and one reasons, excuses I guess are more like it. About our financial situation, not having time, blah, blah, blah. You know where that has gotten me? Pretty much no where. Let me side track a moment to say this. I am convinced, CONVINCED that I have PCOS. I have been tested before and the doctors told me that my counts were within normal levels. Not that there was no way I had this, but that it was normal range. However, I have like every, single symptom..so, could that be a reason that I'm having a hard time, it could. But I have no confirmation of that and so I can't use it as a reason or an excuse.

     What I do know is that when I turned 30 something changed. Something changed in me and I thought to myself, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be like this anymore. I'm a psych major, so I guess that I realized that I'm not the kind of person that would give someone therapy and give a shitake about what happened in their past. The past is the past and your future hasn't happened yet. YOU decide where it is going to go. I should take my own advice. I should realize that what started all this happened over 10 years ago and I need to get the eff over it, you know? I can't go on like I am now.

     So what happened you ask? It's a long story and it can't all be told at once, but I will share it a little at a time. The point of today is just to say that the excuses have to be over. The buts and the wells and the ifs and the blah blah blahs have to stop. They have to stop. They must stop. Today was vacation today and tomorrow is business day. Tomorrow we get down to business. Tomorrow saying 'tomorrow' will stop and it will be today, it will be now. I will do what I have to do to make yesterday yesterday and the next tomorrow brighter.

     Will it be easy? Certainly not. Will I like it? Probably even less likely. But it will be reality. So this beginning is the end of the beginnings. This is the beginning of something that will continue on and on. The last beginning. Or perhaps the first of many because everyday is a new beginning. Everyday is a chance to make the right decisions. Now there is nothing to it but to do it I guess.

"If I'm fat Stewie's fat too because we wear the same size onesie!" - Peter Griffin of Family Guy

    

     One of my favorite episodes of "Family Guy" was the one where Peter went to the doctor for a physical and the doctor told him that he was in good health except for the fact that he was fat. He was like, "What?". The point was that he was acting like he had no idea that he was fat! He was doing things that he thought was prove that he wasn't fat, like hula-hooping (it gets stuck on him); Brian shows him that he is so big that things go into orbit around him; he put on Stewie's onesie (hence the quote that starts this blog).

     It's funny, this episode because it seems sometimes that we are beginning to live in a society where people are getting like Peter Griffin, like they don't know that they are fat. Maybe it's because obesity is becoming such an epidemic in this country that you can see it everywhere. It's kinda funny that a fat person (me) would be talking about people being fat, but the truth is as I have said before I live under no illusion that I'm not obese. I'm probably bordering on morbid obesity actually. It sucks. I have said that before too.

     Our church recently got new seating, theater style seating. This means that we no longer have pews but we have individual seats like at the movies. This morning I was going to sit down and made the comment to my husband that I wanted to sit in an aisle seat (then I could straighten out my leg); the man in front of us turned around to my husband and told him "If you notice these seats are numbered. The ones numbered with a 21 are the biggest. If you find one of those, your wife may be more comfortable." I just sat there, a bit dumbfounded. I mean I was right there. My husband asks, "do you want to move?" I said no I was fine followed by "wow".

     This man's wife was also heavy, maybe he knew what it was like, I'm sure that he was just trying to be helpful. But there are few things that make you feel worse than having some one point out to you that you are fat. I mean, it's like Peter, you feel like saying, "What? Me?" Then there are those times that you get labeled as being fat when maybe you shouldn't be labeled that boldly. This happened to me as well. We were at a local theme park and got on a boat-type ride. The man gave me an extend-a-belt thing for my Velcro seat. Was it needed? No, not really, it was a boat ride. Did it make me feel about as big as an elephant trying to hide in the corner? Indeed, yes, it did.

     I guess that the point that I'm trying to get at is that if you see a fat person, we don't need you to tell us that we are fat. Even if you are saying something that to you is helpful, don't. You aren't making things better, you are making them worse. Even if we are one of the "fat and happy" crowd (rather fat and proud) who are ok with who we are, how would you feel if we were like, "you know I know a GREAT plastic surgeon that can fix that nose" or, "a good dentist could take care of that overbite." You would feel like crap is what you would feel like. Fat people DO NOT need non-fat people to tell us that we are fat. Period. We know. We know that you know.

     I just had another example come to mind about this. I used to date a guy that was a big guy. I mean bigger than me in size and girth. I went on a trip with him once to deliver a car that one of his friends was selling to his [the friend's] aunt. While eating lunch with this woman (who wasn't skinny...and actually I was a lot smaller then too) she looks across the table at me (not him) and says, "If you ever decide to get bypass, I know a great doctor you can see." His friend is pinching my leg under the table as a way to remind me not to come up out of my seat and go redneck on this old hag. I smile, say some kind of BS pleasantry and try to shrug it off.

     Things like this are hurtful and unnecessary. We really do not need anyone to remind us that we are fat.

     Tomorrow I will start to chronicle my journey into a healthier (and perhaps skinnier) being. I'm tired of missing out on my own life. I'm tired of letting things from my past affect my present and my future. I'm over this. I'm over being fat and 'happy'. I'm not happy, but I think that this will help me be happier. I know that things like this, meaning your body image, cannot necessarily affect your idea of your self worth, but I believe that anything that you can do to make you feel better about yourself will help you feel better about your life.

     Until then I leave you with the mental picture of a 300lb woman in an infant onesie.......yeah, take that to bed with you.

Fat and Happy

     Anyone that tells you that being fat doesn't make their life harder is a liar. Look I'm just calling a spade a spade. They are a liar. Being fat makes everything harder. It makes getting accepted harder, it makes feeling good about yourself harder, it makes shopping, rollercoaster riding, beach trips, everything (!) harder.

     As cool as it would be to say that I had a documentary on TLC about me and how I couldn't get out of my king sized mattress that sat on the floor and clothes wouldn't go on me and doctors were coming across the country to help me that isn't what I want to be known for. But a moment came (around the time I turned 30 a couple months ago) that I was like, "Dude, that could be me". It could be ME! It was scary. When I saw my scale tip 300 the first time I almost broke down. Then it climbed, it climbed some more. I felt worse and worse and worse.

     This brings me to the next lie that we fat chicks tell. "I'm fat, but I'm happy." You may be saying to yourself that this isn't necessarily a lie. I suppose that it isn't ENTIRELY a lie. But it is a lie. Don't tell me or anyone else that you are HAPPY not being able to go shopping with your best girlfriends, or share their clothes. Don't tell me that you are HAPPY having people look at you with disgust and treat you with disrespect because of your weight, don't tell me that you are HAPPY not being able to wear the latest fashions or fashion trends (A&F NOT INCLUDED), that you are HAPPY feeling like a failure when that scale number climbs or when the doctor brings up your weight again, or you can't go on a rollercoaster or sit in a certain seat or fit by someone in an aisle at a theater or church or plane, don't say that you are HAPPY knowing that you are at higher risk of heart attack, high cholesterol, stroke, cancer, premature death, and sugar (that diabetes for you folks that don't have the word ya'll in your everyday vocabulary).

     If you are so happy, then why do you still do things that you know are bad for you? My best assumption is that no one is ever in denial that they are fat. You know if you are fat. If you have eyes or a mirror or the sense of touch you can know that you are fat. I'm not in denial that I am fat. I know I'm fat. I know how I got fat and why I've stayed fat. I know what I need to do to try and not be so fat.....

but I don't really do it.

Why?

     Because I'm NOT HAPPY. See I think that you can get into this depression, this funk. Let's say you want to do ZUMBA. But you are really obese so you can't do all the moves and you get out of breath after only a few minutes, so you feel so embarrassed about letting the people who for some reason are still in the class even though they are DONE because they already weigh like 80 pounds see you like this. So you quit. You feel bad that you quit and so you eat a pint of ice cream. See people who are fat like me are so happy that they find reasons to 'celebrate' all the time! I got an 'A' in my class, lets get some cheesesticks; I failed my class, how about a pint of Ben and Jerry's. My dog pooped, I sneezed, the sun came up today, there's a squirrel....lets eat, lets snack, lets, lets....WOOOOO!!!

     See we get this high from eating and from controlling our food and we equate feeling good=happy and that's not the case. You feel good when you eat because of chemical reactions in your brain, not because it makes you happy. How many times, honestly now, have you eaten something and felt like complete crap afterwards? Umm, hum...yeah. You know the truth here don't you

     I think if you are so happy in your life, why not get healthy so that you can, you know ENJOY more of your life. How much joy comes from having to feel like you are on the sidelines because of your weight? Not much. I say this because I know this. I live this everyday.

     Being fat doesn't make me happy. This doesn't mean I hate myself or who I am. But I am anything but happy about what I am. For me there have been no tests that conclusively show that I have a medical problem that is making me be heavy. I know that my thyroid is low and that may make it more difficult, I know that I deal with depression and that does too. I know that I have old injuries that give me pain that affect my ability to exercise. I like to pretend that I don't eat poorly, and for the most part I don't. I don't really do Coke's or things like that, I love fruit, veggies, and healthy food.... I also love sweet tea, Starbucks, and ice cream. I'm not happy being fat. I don't think that the me that I go through this life as is the real me. It's not the me that I want the world to see.

     Fat and happy. I don't buy it. Fat and focused is more like it. Focused on trying to convince everyone that you don't mind being one of the last things that it seems PC to look down on people for. Focused on pretending that you don't mind the looks, the whispers. But what if instead of being focused on proving to everyone that you were happy you decided to focus on getting happy.

     Find one thing, just ONE THING, that you would like to get healthier for. Just one. Focus on that. Maybe it's your baby, your niece, your nephew, your spouse, your ailing parent, yourself...one thing. Focus on that one thing. Use that thing to make you happy and then just be happy instead of fat and happy.

 

The, er, welcome

     Well imagine that, another blog about a fat girl trying to become not such a fat girl. I know what you are thinking, wonderful.

     Hopefully I won't disappoint.

     So what can I say bout myself? Well I won't give everything away at once. Let's start with what started me doing a blog:

1- Accountability. I guess that I felt like by posting here there will be a real record that says either that I suck or that I am doing something kinda right. And anyone can see it.

2- I'm a loudmouth a lot of the time and so what better way to get my loudmouthery out that to use a blog and then talk about how I'm fat.

3- Let's face it, fat people can be kinda funny.

4- Maybe I can help someone else.

     Now, you may wonder why I finally came to that moment in my life when I thought to myself you are just a few MickeyD's sweet teas and gelato pints away from having your own TLC Special. (Humm, I wonder how much money they pay those folks??) I told my husband once to make sure if I ever couldn't walk around the Walmart that he just not take me; don't just take me and let me use the Rascal that they provide because I see you people that are just too big to walk around using it. Now, really, I understand that some people have medical issues and that is fine...some people are just fat. While I'm on that subject lets just talk about being fat. I'm not stupid about my fat. Being fat doesn't give you a free pass to eat enough food to keep an African village alive for a week, it shouldn't be a lifestyle. While I appreciate the fact that my husband loves me the weight that I am (no matter what that is) I do kinda wish that sometimes he would be like, "Baby, are you sure you need that Frappuccino?" or "I would have liked to have some of that ice cream/brownies/etc too" or even the ever popular "PUT. THE. FORK. DOWN!" 

     Okay, so yes, I may have punched him a couple times if he said that or made him walk home from the eatery or sleep downstairs or in a tent in the yard...but, sometimes you need someone to just be truthful with you. I want him to be like 60% Jillian Michaels, 30% Bob Harper and 10% Allison Sweeney. Or something like that anyway.

   So I guess that is enough of a welcome, you will come to find that most of my blogs will have no real direction and will largely be my ramblings that try to end in some kind of a point.