The Beginning is the End of the Beginning

Beginning Weight: 313.2
Hips: 60
Waist: 55
L Arm: 18
R Arm: 18.5
L Thigh: 34
R Thigh: 34.5
Stomach: 10


     Well a few weeks ago I was about 5 pounds thinner. But a knee injury sidelined me for a few weeks and I don't know if you are like me, but when I get sidelined I get mouthy...as in I snack and eat crap that I shouldn't eat anyway. But today is a new day, today is a day to start over. In two months we are having a family vacation, in one month I have a photo shoot scheduled, I would like to not be, you know, gross for this. For either one of these.

     The first time that I saw the scale go above 300 I freaked. I cried. Then I think I ate a pint of ice cream. What a wonderful way to say "hey, I hate being fat", right? After that I kinda lost hope, I didn't really care anymore. I think at my highest (which wasn't that long ago) I was 320 or something. I was even more miserable then than I am now. So I started to exercise and eat better, I think I did Body for Life. Which totally works but you have to eat so many times that it was really hurting our food budget. Plus, let's face it, healthy food is super expensive and when you are poor, well, that can be problematic.

     But in any case I lost like 30 pounds or something. I mean I was down to like 274 or some crazy number like that. Then we had a life changing event. We had a fire. We were in a motel for a month, we were unable to cook or get real groceries for like 6. Needless to say I gained that weight back. When you eat what you can, well, that is an excuse, but it was a rough time.

     I keep wondering why I can't just do this. I keep wondering why I'm such a failure. I come up with a million and one reasons, excuses I guess are more like it. About our financial situation, not having time, blah, blah, blah. You know where that has gotten me? Pretty much no where. Let me side track a moment to say this. I am convinced, CONVINCED that I have PCOS. I have been tested before and the doctors told me that my counts were within normal levels. Not that there was no way I had this, but that it was normal range. However, I have like every, single symptom..so, could that be a reason that I'm having a hard time, it could. But I have no confirmation of that and so I can't use it as a reason or an excuse.

     What I do know is that when I turned 30 something changed. Something changed in me and I thought to myself, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be like this anymore. I'm a psych major, so I guess that I realized that I'm not the kind of person that would give someone therapy and give a shitake about what happened in their past. The past is the past and your future hasn't happened yet. YOU decide where it is going to go. I should take my own advice. I should realize that what started all this happened over 10 years ago and I need to get the eff over it, you know? I can't go on like I am now.

     So what happened you ask? It's a long story and it can't all be told at once, but I will share it a little at a time. The point of today is just to say that the excuses have to be over. The buts and the wells and the ifs and the blah blah blahs have to stop. They have to stop. They must stop. Today was vacation today and tomorrow is business day. Tomorrow we get down to business. Tomorrow saying 'tomorrow' will stop and it will be today, it will be now. I will do what I have to do to make yesterday yesterday and the next tomorrow brighter.

     Will it be easy? Certainly not. Will I like it? Probably even less likely. But it will be reality. So this beginning is the end of the beginnings. This is the beginning of something that will continue on and on. The last beginning. Or perhaps the first of many because everyday is a new beginning. Everyday is a chance to make the right decisions. Now there is nothing to it but to do it I guess.