Dawn of Death

Weight: 312.8

     I don't count my calories. I don't count fat. I don't count carbs or points. I did the Weight Watchers points. It is very effective. But look, I don't have time for that mess. Every week I try to plan meals. How do you think that goes over? Right! Not too good! I'm not a planner, I'm not a counter. I'm more of a 'man I need to eat something; oh crap it's dinner time' kind of person. I don't do counting. I have no time for that mess.

     That doesn't mean I don't try to be aware of what I'm eating. (I try to pretend that I am still ignorant about how many carbs are in Starbucks drinks) I don't think that you can really enjoy your life counting. I'm not a math person either. So I become aware. If I'm getting Starbucks, I skip the bread another time, or the pasta another time. It's about balance. Balance.

     I suppose that it makes little sense for me to be talking about balance and being aware and weight 312 pounds. I know. It's like Willy Wonka giving a speech on avoiding cavities. But I haven't always been this way, and I have lost before and I know how I did. I deal with depression a lot and when I get into one of those depressed states I eat bad, I don't exercise, it sucks. When those times come the weight comes back, usually with a vengeance. I know what I should and shouldn't do. If you think about it you probably do to. Now the key is just for us to, you know, DO IT!

     I know what got me here - bad decisions - a LOT of them. They started when I was 17 and to be honest they never stopped. See I met this guy on my 17th birthday and he was cute and nice and he treated me good and he gave me attention and he thought I was attractive and I fell in (what I thought was) love. He asked me to marry him when we had been dating only about a month, and I said yes and that started an almost eight year relationship. Things were peachy at first, about the first year, other than the fact that he wasn't keen on me playing sports, he wanted me to be with him or whatever...so I quit playing ball. This was the biggest thing that started my poor health decisions. Then the more I was around him I picked up his eating habit and they were horrid. My senior year I gained about 80 pounds. That was pretty devastating. But it didn't stop there. It got worse, much worse. I went from like a size 16/18 to a size 24.

     So these bad eating decisions was the start of my problems. It sucked. It still sucks. I still wonder why I let that happen. Why? Bad decisions.

     The good thing about decisions, even bad ones? You have to make new ones everyday. Everyday you have to make new decisions and you have the chance to make better decisions. You have the CHOICE to do what you think/know what you should and not do the things that you know are bad decisions.

     Today you can make a choice. You can make a choice to stay like you are and keep doing what you are doing, or you can make a choice to, you know, do something else.

     I had a pretty good day today. I ate pretty good. (Note: I have a huge sweet tooth, in fact I think it may be teeth, so I always try to keep some Adkins goodies on hand to help with that). I did Week 1 Day 1 of the C25K plan (that's couch to 5k) I was on week two before my injury started acting up, so I started over. For dinner though we went to Pizza Inn. Buffets are a fat persons napalm. You always want to eat more because you want to feel like you got your money's worth. This happens to me, and it happened to me tonight. The good thing is that usually the pieces are smaller (this is an excuse - but it is true.) Today I made some good decisions, perhaps some not so great decisions, but tomorrow is a day to make the decisions again, and I can choose if they will be good or bad.

     Every dawn is a new chance for the dawn of death. The death of the old you, of the bad decisions, of the depression and pain and suffering. Today was a new dawn of a new day to try to put my old habits to death. Tomorrow if I'm blessed with it will be a new dawn and a new day of death.