Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

Weight: 310-ish


I always loved this line from the song "Closing Time" by Semisonic, it's true, very true. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

We start things a lot. We start and we lull and we start again. We backslide, we get down from one thing or another. It happens. Sometimes we give up but then find a reason to start again. We get discouraged we get depressed, we get down...and then we get up again, we try again, we start again, we get back on the wagon.

It's hard to see people who have done it and you think to yourself, "what is the difference between them and me?"; "why can they succeed and I can't"? The thing is we are human. We deal with depression we deal with setbacks, we deal with discouragement. It happens.

Changing your body has to start with changing your mind and maybe even changing your heart. I struggle with depression. I have for a number of years. My problems started in that bad relationship. I became depressed, I started to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. It sucked then and it sucks now. What I need is to be back on pills. The pills were good, they helped. Unfortunately we lost our insurance and so I can't get back on the pills. :( My hopes are that will change eventually. But so here's the deal- I can start on something, anything, that I really want and I enjoy and before I know it the life is being sucked out of me. The desire to do this to do anything is just zapped out of me. I have no hope, no desire, no gumption, nothing. It sucks. It sucks ass in fact.

And so, you get stuck in this downward spiral, this circle of hopelessness. It's like swimming in a whirlpool. You want to get out, you try to get out, you swim and swim and swim and you just keep getting sucked down. That's how I feel all the time. It's like there is a disconnect between who I want to be and how I am and who I keep falling into being. I don't think I'm crazy, but I feel like it a lot of times.

I like to consider myself a spiritual person. The bad thing about that is that I don't often practice what I preach or what I know to be true. I talk about trusting God, I tell people to turn it over to God to trust him with everything, but I rarely do that myself. So I start to reflect on why. Well, I think for a lot of time in that bad relationship I wondered where God was. Why He was letting this happen, why he wasn't helping me or stopping this. I guess in a lot of ways I lost, not my faith, but my trust. I forgot that I can TRUST God to take care of, well, everything.

I know that I need to get back to that childlike faith that we all so desperately desire. But it's hard. It's hard to just sit back and be like, "Ok, God take care of this thing." But you know maybe that is what I'm lacking. Maybe that is what is holding me back maybe that is what keeps me hopeless and helpless. I know that I have the desire and the ability to do this thing, to be this thing but I have been unsuccessful.

So I guess it's time to let another beginning end, and a new beginning begin. One where I will try to heed my own words and really just turn it over 100%. Will it be easy, no. But all I can do is try...and all you can do is try. You will get better, even if just a little better everyday.